Giving All of Myself

I nursed you that first night in the hospital; holding you close as you rooted and cluster fed. After hours of exhausting labor, intense contractions and extreme pain, I nursed you and nursed you and nursed you.

In the days and nights that followed, I nursed you as colostrum transformed to milk.

You burrowed into me, and our bond began. . .

I nursed you at the grocery store; only to pull over and nurse you again on the way home.

I nursed you while your brother ate snacks and snuggled beside us.

I nursed you while reading books, writing blog posts, watching Netflix, cuddling your daddy, and through so much more, I nursed you.

I nursed you after shots; soothing your pain and providing you comfort as we longed for sleep.

I nursed you through fevered teething; enduring discomfort as you relearned how to latch without biting mommy.

I nursed you while traveling; finding a place to pull over, feed you, and change your diaper.

I nursed you in castles, at a restaurant in Paris, and in the golden room of the Louvre.

I nursed you at friend's houses, in the sand on the beach, on a plane, at the movie theater, and in your grandparents' living room.

I nursed you when you were hungry, tired, overwhelmed, scared, hurting, or ill.

I nursed you late at night, in the wee hours of the morning, and throughout the day.

I gave up sleep, missed showers, and waited to eat.

I learned how to be content with spit up clothes and leaked-through bras.

After broken-up sleep and not enough room, I would wake up to a soaked mattress and a happy baby. You would coo, blink up at me, and want to nurse some more.

I watched my body transform and take a new shape.

I endured painful engorgements, a stretched out and tiger-striped tummy, and a sore, saggy chest.

I gave of myself and gave of myself and gave of myself until one night your brother pointed to my chest and said, "Lily's." It wasn't a question.

I have nursed you for any and every reason.

I held you to my breast as you slumbered; as your eyes fluttered closed and your lips turned up in a milky smile, and I admired the beauty and miracle of it all.

As we begin weening, as you transition from baby to toddler, as you grow in ability and discover new independence. . .

Even as you begin to need me less, know that I will always be near to offer comfort, to give time, to cherish small moments with you, to offer you all that I can, and watch as you step out on your own.

I nursed you then, and love you now.

"So put away all malice and all deceit and hypocrisy and envy and all slander. Like newborn infants, long for the pure spiritual milk, that by it you may grow up into salvation- if indeed you have tasted that the Lord is good."

1 Peter 2: 1-3