Honestly, there are days when I thought I’d be better at this.
When I can’t get you to go to sleep without screaming, and your dad has to come in for the second night in a row, it’s easy to feel useless.
When you ask, “Mom happy?” in the middle of my unhappy tirade while picking up toys in your bedroom, it’s easy to feel humbled.
When I start making lunch only to realize halfway through that we don’t have all the ingredients, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed.
When I spend hours cleaning but at the end of the day, the house doesn’t look any different, it’s easy to feel defeated.
When I lose my temper and have to apologize multiple times within the span of a couple of hours, it’s easy to feel depleted.
When I go to bed exhausted and wake up still tired, it’s easy to feel unprepared.
But just as there are days where I feel less than, there are many more days when I never thought it could be this good.
When I spend an hour or more snuggling you before bed, and you fall asleep with your cheek nestled against my chest, I am content.
When I watch you hold your sister’s hand as we amble down the sidewalk toward the park, I am reassured.
When I make muffins or pancakes, and your chubby fists help add all the ingredients, I am fulfilled.
When I wake up to you climbing in bed with daddy and I, and your tiny body hogs most of the bed, I am at peace.
When we roll out snakes, shape cookies, and create multi-colored dinosaur eggs from mixed together Play-doh, I am comforted.
When you say “I love you,” and “Mommy Hulk-smash strong,” I am empowered.
The truth is, motherhood isn’t easy. It’s not meant to be.
It’s this beautiful tug and pull toward something greater- something I could never be or become on my own.
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